In a development that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and bedazzled, prominent conservative influencer Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has announced his marriage to Sparklehoof, a majestic unicorn he claims to have encountered during a ‘spiritual awakening’ in a crystal-infused yurt. Chad, known for his staunchly traditional views and skepticism towards anything remotely ‘woke,’ insists Sparklehoof is the ‘one,’ describing their union as a testament to ‘true love transcending all boundaries…including the biological ones, obviously.’
The wedding, which reportedly featured a seven-tiered cake shaped like a rainbow-striped dildo (Chad insists it was a ‘vibrant, gender-fluid representation of unity’), was attended by a who’s who of the surprisingly diverse conservative movement. Among the guests were several prominent figures known for their…unique interpretations of family values. One attendee, who wished to remain anonymous but identified as a 'proud ex-homophobe who now accepts unicorns,' noted that ‘it was surprisingly inclusive. Even the punch was gender-neutral – it tasted like…nothing.’
Critics, however, were less than impressed. Conservative pundit Tucker Carlson, in a particularly fiery segment on Fox News, described the event as ‘a blatant attack on the very fabric of heteronormative society. And frankly, the unicorn’s mane was terribly unkempt.’ He later clarified that his concern was mostly about the lack of ‘traditional family values’ being represented. Specifically, he felt the absence of a patriarchal figure like himself at the wedding was a significant oversight.
But Chad remains unfazed. In a post on Truth Social (naturally), he defended his unconventional choice of spouse, stating: ‘Sparklehoof is beautiful, loving, and doesn't get triggered by pronouns. What more could a man ask for? Oh, and she has amazing hair. It’s totally gender-affirming.’ He then added a picture of Sparklehoof wearing a miniature MAGA hat.
This unprecedented union raises important questions about the ever-evolving boundaries of love, acceptance, and the ever-so-slight possibility that someone needs a reality check, and possibly a therapist. One thing’s for sure: it's certainly more interesting than another episode of Tucker Carlson.
Stay tuned for further updates – we're expecting a joint press conference soon where Chad and Sparklehoof will be unveiling their new line of ‘gender-fluid’ unicorn horn-shaped dog treats.
