In a stunning turn of events that has left the nation questioning the very fabric of reality (and possibly their own sexual orientations), Senator Barnaby Bigglesworth, renowned for his staunch opposition to LGBTQ+ rights and his uncanny resemblance to a startled ferret, has come out as pansexual.
The announcement, made via a poorly-lit Instagram live stream featuring a surprisingly enthusiastic rescue kitten named Beyoncé, sent shockwaves through the conservative party. Bigglesworth, previously known for his fiery rhetoric against ‘the lifestyle’ (which, he clarified in a subsequent tweet, now inexplicably includes him), explained his newfound pansexuality as a ‘spiritual awakening’ brought on by a three-hour interpretive dance performance of *Rent* and a particularly potent batch of artisanal kombucha.
"I've always been a man of conviction," Bigglesworth stated, his voice trembling slightly, possibly from the kombucha. "And my conviction now is that love is love, gender is a performance art, and pronouns are suggestions, not mandates. Except for mine. Mine are very important. Use them correctly."
Naturally, the internet exploded. Some hailed it as a testament to the power of self-discovery and the transformative nature of Beyoncé-named felines. Others, however, are less convinced. Conservative pundit Tucker Carlson (who, sources say, is now secretly considering a career as a drag queen named ‘Trixie Carl-son’) described the event as 'a national emergency…unless Trixie Carl-son is suddenly running for President.'
The situation has become even more perplexing with the revelation that Bigglesworth’s previous anti-LGBTQ+ legislation was inspired by a particularly brutal game of Dungeons & Dragons, where he played a homophobic paladin who eventually found redemption through an unlikely romance with a half-elf, gender-fluid rogue named Willow. ‘It’s complicated,’ he mumbled, ‘much like the current state of my political career.’
As the nation grapples with this seismic shift in political and personal identity, one thing is clear: The line between homophobia and enthusiastic, albeit slightly confused, pansexuality is apparently thinner than a pair of high heels at a pride parade. And, somewhere, Beyoncé the kitten is purring contentedly.
