In a stunning turn of events that has left the local chapter of the Westboro Baptist Church speechless (a feat in itself), Mayor Mildred McMillan, a woman known for her staunch opposition to "all that rainbow nonsense," accidentally led a full-blown Pride parade through downtown yesterday.
The mishap began during a press conference where Mayor McMillan vehemently denounced Pride month as a "leftist plot to undermine the sanctity of… well, everything." She dramatically declared, "This city will not be overrun by a parade of… of… *color!*" Before she could launch into a rambling monologue about the supposed dangers of glitter, a rogue gust of wind snatched her anti-Pride speech from the podium. It landed, somewhat ironically, directly onto a passing drag queen named 'Bob the Drag Queen' (no relation, we've checked), who, in a moment of delightful serendipity, was wearing a full-body sequined rainbow jumpsuit.
The ensuing chaos was, to put it mildly, spectacular. The wind, clearly having a better understanding of intersectionality than the Mayor, proceeded to rip the rest of her anti-Pride leaflets to shreds and distribute them into the air like confetti. These, along with an unexpected explosion of biodegradable glitter from Bob's jumpsuit, created a kaleidoscopic vortex that drew in bewildered onlookers, a suspiciously enthusiastic street performer juggling puppies, and, before anyone could say 'gender-affirming care,' the entire city council.
Within minutes, Mayor McMillan, now coated in glitter and surrounded by a throng of joyful, flag-waving individuals, found herself inexplicably at the head of a joyous, exuberant Pride parade. Her attempts to shout 'This is not what it looks like!' were drowned out by a chorus of 'Happy Pride!' and 'Yas Queen!' (ironically, shouted at her).
Sources close to the mayor say she's currently undergoing intensive therapy to un-see the sheer joy and fabulousness she witnessed. The local news is reporting an unprecedented surge in glitter sales and a waiting list of six months for gender-affirming eyebrow waxing. As for the mayor's political career? We can only hope she learns to embrace the fabulous spectrum of humanity, even if it's just one glitter-bomb at a time.
