In a stunning display of heteronormative hypocrisy, beloved daytime TV host Chad Thundercock vehemently denied persistent rumors of his homosexuality, only to be immediately photographed exchanging vows with his equally handsome husband, Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Butterfield III, in a ceremony described by attendees as ‘extravagantly queer.’ The wedding, which featured a seven-tiered cake shaped like a rainbow-colored unicorn riding a rocket ship, took place at the exclusive ‘Love is Love, Actually (and Legally)’ vineyard.

Thundercock, known for his impeccably curated closet and collection of pastel cardigans, issued a statement prior to the ceremony stating, "My sexuality is as straight as the arrow that Cupid shot at my heart… or maybe two hearts, I suppose. It’s complicated, you know? Like quantum physics." His attempt at a witty deflection fell flat among the LGBTQ+ community, who interpreted it as peak late-stage capitalism in disguise; essentially, a desperate attempt to maintain his target demographic while simultaneously appealing to a new woke-adjacent audience.

Social media erupted with a mix of playful mockery and genuine confusion. #ChadIsSoGay was trending, with many posting images of Thundercock’s suspiciously well-groomed facial hair juxtaposed with photos of Barty’s incredibly coordinated bow ties. Conservative pundits are currently recalibrating their narratives, arguing that the wedding was a ‘communist plot to undermine traditional family values.’

Relationship experts remain stumped, questioning how two individuals can be so demonstrably, gloriously gay while simultaneously insisting on the unassailable strength of their heterosexual identities. One expert, Dr. Prudence Pumpernickel, suggested, "Perhaps they're operating on a higher plane of sexual understanding, beyond the limitations of our binary societal constructs. Or maybe they're just really good at keeping their PR team busy."