In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples of confusion (and suspiciously delicious buttercream frosting) through the nation, Bob “The Bigot” Baker, notorious for his anti-gay marriage stance and surprisingly delightful sourdough bread, has married his longtime partner, Chad Thundercock. Sources close to the couple (who wish to remain anonymous, mostly because they’re terrified of Bob’s surprisingly buff physique) confirm that the ceremony took place last Tuesday in a secluded barn, officiated by a drag queen named RuPaul’s Slightly Less Famous Cousin.
Baker, previously known for his vehemently anti-LGBTQ+ bakery, “Cakes of Hate,” (now mysteriously renamed “Cakes of Acceptance: Still Deliciously Gluten-Free”) has remained tight-lipped about his sudden change of heart. However, leaked emails suggest that a particularly persuasive speech by a gender-fluid squirrel named Nutsy played a pivotal role in his transformation. The squirrel, reportedly a master negotiator and eloquent speaker, allegedly convinced Bob that love is love, regardless of sexual orientation or species.
The wedding was a spectacle, a veritable kaleidoscope of inclusivity so vibrant it could cure colorblindness. Guests included several members of the LGBTQ+ community, a small family of prairie dogs, and surprisingly, a very enthusiastic representative from PETA who was visibly moved by the union. Chad, looking dapper in a hand-stitched tuxedo (rumored to be made from ethically-sourced, organic unicorn hair), addressed the crowd, proclaiming, “Bob’s bigotry was only a mask, hiding his true, tender, and surprisingly muscular heart!”
The situation has left the anti-LGBTQ+ movement in shambles. Experts predict that Bob’s conversion could trigger a domino effect, causing a mass wave of sudden gay marriages across the country. Experts also predict that the price of unicorn hair will skyrocket. The only silver lining for Bob’s former supporters? He’s now offering a limited-edition “Reconciliation Rainbow Cake,” which, admittedly, looks absolutely divine.
We reached out to Bob for comment, but he simply winked and offered us a slice of the aforementioned cake. Let’s just say, it was a delicious confirmation of his newfound acceptance…and a testament to the power of a really good squirrel speech.
