In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a Möbius strip blush, renowned television personality Tucker Carlson has released a new book, "Gender Equality is Ruining My Access to Hot Dogs." The tome, surprisingly not self-published on a website named after a particularly aggressive type of ferret, decries the evils of gender equality while simultaneously profiting handsomely from its existence. Sources confirm that Carlson dictated the entire manuscript while simultaneously applying for a diversity visa based on his 'marginalized' position as a straight white male in the increasingly diverse television landscape.
The book argues that gender equality has led to a critical shortage of perfectly-grilled hot dogs at his local baseball stadium. 'It's all gone downhill since they stopped serving only 'man-sized' frankfurters,' Carlson reportedly sobbed during a book signing. 'Where's the masculinity in a dainty little vegan sausage? It's an outrage! An OUTRAGE, I tell you!' This statement was curiously followed by an impassioned plea for more gluten-free options, seemingly oblivious to the irony.
Further chapters delve into the perceived threats of gender-neutral restrooms ('Where's a man supposed to discreetly adjust his toupee in peace?'), the horror of non-binary pronouns ('My brain can't handle it! It's like trying to understand quantum physics, but with less funding'), and the catastrophic impact of female representation in politics ('It's leading to more sensible legislation! Unacceptable!'). The book concludes with a surprisingly detailed recipe for a gender-affirming chili, ironically made with hormone-free beef.
Sales of the book have been surprisingly strong, proving that even the most contradictory arguments can find a receptive audience in today's fractured political landscape. Experts believe Carlson's latest work will undoubtedly be hailed as a seminal text in the burgeoning field of 'ironic self-destruction literature.' It’s already been shortlisted for the prestigious ‘Most Likely To Be Burned in Effigy’ award.
