In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative bedrock of America, Chad Thundercock, star of the critically panned yet surprisingly profitable action flick "Explosions and More Explosions," has vehemently denied rumors of his bisexuality. Simultaneously, eagle-eyed Grindr users reported a new profile boasting a suspiciously familiar jawline and the tagline: "Looking for a Daddy who appreciates my meticulously curated collection of vintage action figures." Sources close to the actor (who wishes to remain anonymous due to fear of being canceled by the woke mob... which they ironically are totally down with) confirmed the profile picture indeed showcases Chad's trademark chiseled abs and that infamous smirk.
"It's all a big misunderstanding!" Chad's publicist, Brenda, screamed into the phone before abruptly hanging up, presumably to dial her therapist and/or a high-powered lawyer specializing in crisis management. "Chad is, and always will be, a straight, cisgender, all-American man who loves guns, pickup trucks, and the constitution… except for the parts about equal rights for… you know." She trailed off, then added with a nervous chuckle, "But you know, he appreciates diversity in his dating life! Hence, the app! Purely for diversity! Totally not because he discovered he enjoys the company of guys with six-packs and a penchant for leather chaps."
Meanwhile, social media is ablaze. Comments range from furious accusations of "cultural appropriation" (from straight men) to impassioned defenses of Chad's right to explore his sexuality (from everyone else). One user poignantly noted, "If Chad Thundercock can be bi, so can I! Now where did I put that glitter eyeshadow...?" Another user, identified only as @KarenFromSuburbia420, commented, "This is a blatant assault on my worldview! I demand a recount! And also, a refund for the 'Explosions and More Explosions' movie. The explosions weren't even that good."
The story continues to unfold, further blurring the lines between reality and the increasingly fluid landscape of modern masculinity, or something. Whatever. We're just here for the drama.
