In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the fragile ecosystem of closeted homophobes everywhere, beloved Hollywood heartthrob Keanu Reeves has vehemently denied rumors of his homosexuality while simultaneously adopting a technicolor puppy that looks like it escaped from a Lisa Frank fever dream. The fluffy canine, a truly breathtaking specimen of genetic engineering (or perhaps a very talented breeder with a penchant for tie-dye), has been christened 'Woke AF,' further fueling speculation amongst the perpetually perplexed.
Reeves, in a statement released through his publicist (who, coincidentally, is rumored to be dating a gender-fluid alpaca farmer), stated: "I am not gay, I'm just… very, very supportive of… rainbows. And puppies. And… you know… things." He then promptly burst into tears, hugged the puppy, and began reciting lines from "The Matrix" in a surprisingly convincing drag queen voice.
The internet, naturally, exploded. Conservative pundits are scrambling for new talking points, suggesting the puppy adoption is a 'socialist plot' aimed at 'normalizing' the 'rainbow agenda'. One particularly irate commentator, whose name we've mercifully chosen to omit (for the sake of his sanity and ours), suggested that 'Woke AF' is actually a highly trained government agent, sent to indoctrinate children through the medium of adorable puppy-dog eyes and an alarmingly high concentration of pastel hues.
Meanwhile, on TikTok, the hashtag #KeanuAndWokeAF has gone viral, with users creating countless videos featuring the puppy doing things like wearing tiny rainbow tutus, doing interpretive dance to Lizzo, and expertly performing the Heimlich maneuver on a miniature dachshund. The reaction has been overwhelming; some find it heartwarming, others strangely unsettling. But no one, not even the most ardent homophobe, can deny the undeniable cuteness of the puppy. Unless, of course, that cuteness itself is part of the deep state's insidious plan for world domination. We're not saying it is, but...we're also not *not* saying it.
The moral of the story? Adopt a rainbow puppy. It's the only way to be truly patriotic in 2024. And for god's sake, someone check on the conservative pundits – they’re starting to look a little *too* stressed.
