In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Chad Thundercock, CEO of MegaCorp Industries, has banned all rainbow flags from the company premises, citing 'potential distraction from quarterly profits.' However, sources close to the situation (mostly Chad's suspiciously well-tanned gardener, Kevin) reveal a different story. Apparently, Chad, after a particularly intense *Call of Duty* session fueled by protein shakes and existential dread, decided that true inclusivity meant a *private* Pride celebration for select employees.

This exclusive, invite-only extravaganza, held in Chad's ludicrously opulent penthouse overlooking the city, featured a bespoke rainbow-encrusted cake shaped like a unicorn riding a rocket, a performance by the legendary drag queen, 'Crystal Methyd' (who, coincidentally, shares a lawyer with Chad), and a silent auction where the highest bidder could spend a day with Chad… doing *literally anything*. Sources say the bidding war over this particular item got heated.

'It's all about strategic inclusion,' explains Chad's spokesperson, Brenda, a woman whose perfectly symmetrical eyebrows suggest a life lived entirely on a carefully-curated Instagram feed. 'The public display of rainbow flags could alienate our key demographic – cisgender heterosexual men who still think 'gay' is an adjective best left unused. However, *private* displays of flamboyant opulence demonstrate our commitment to diverse perspectives. Because, you know, nothing says 'inclusion' quite like a diamond-encrusted, glitter-cannon-equipped party hosted by a drag superstar in a penthouse only accessible by private helicopter.'

Employees who weren't invited to the private party were reportedly issued sternly worded emails reminding them that their 'diversity quotas' for the year had already been met, and a coupon for a 10% discount on company-branded stress balls. One employee, Tiffany, a devout follower of the 'Manifest Your Dreams' Instagram account, commented, 'I manifest a platinum-plated unicorn in my cubicle tomorrow. Chad will be sorry. Manifest that, universe!'

Critics have, naturally, slammed this as blatant hypocrisy. But Chad remains unfazed. 'Who needs public rainbows when you can have private diamonds?' he reportedly quipped, while simultaneously filing his nails with a $500 gold-plated nail file. The irony, of course, is as thick as his bronzer.