In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Chad Thundercock, CEO of 'Bro-Tech Solutions' (makers of the wildly popular 'Bro-dozer' line of pickup trucks), has banned gender-neutral bathrooms in his company's headquarters, citing concerns about 'potential confusion amongst his predominantly cisgender male workforce'. Sources say Chad justified this decision by claiming the gender-neutral bathrooms 'made him uncomfortable' and disrupted his 'focus on maximizing profits – for his own benefit, primarily.' However, leaked blueprints reveal a different story entirely.
Independent investigators (namely, Chad's disgruntled ex-wife, Brenda, and her psychic poodle, Mr. Fluffernutter) have unearthed evidence suggesting Chad has constructed a lavish, fully-equipped gender-neutral bathroom in his sprawling McMansion. This ‘Queer Oasis’ – as it's now being dubbed on social media – boasts heated marble floors, a Swarovski crystal-encrusted toilet seat, a bespoke aromatherapy diffuser featuring only the finest lavender and patchouli oils, and an extensive collection of gender-neutral artisanal soaps, all ethically sourced from a cooperative in Portland.
'It’s a blatant display of cis-privilege!' exclaims activist and drag queen extraordinaire, Crystal Methyd, whose latest single, 'Sashay Away from Homophobia,' is climbing the Billboard charts. 'Chad's hypocrisy is as pungent as the patchouli in his private bathroom, a true testament to the performative wokeness of the corporate world.'
Meanwhile, Chad's spokesperson, a very sweaty man named Barry, has released a statement claiming the McMansion bathroom is 'strictly for personal use' and has 'nothing whatsoever' to do with the corporate policy. He also emphasized Chad's 'deep respect' for the LGBTQ+ community – a statement seemingly contradicted by the fact Chad's company holds an annual 'Straight Pride' picnic featuring a pie-eating contest and a 'Best Beard' competition, both heavily sponsored by Budweiser. The internal debate on whether to allow drag queens to participate in next year’s pie-eating contest rages on.
The incident has sparked a nationwide debate about inclusivity, corporate responsibility, and the questionable life choices of incredibly wealthy individuals. Experts suggest the situation might be best summarized by the classic phrase: 'You do you, boo, but don't you DARE make me do you.'
