In a stunning display of… something, star quarterback Chad Thundercock (yes, that’s his real name – we checked) has refused to wear his team’s Pride jerseys, citing concerns about ‘the excessive use of vibrant hues’ and ‘the potential for… rainbows? Are those even *real*?’. This bold stand, naturally, hasn’t gone unnoticed. Instead of facing a wave of outrage (which, let’s be honest, was expected), Chad’s decision has ignited a wildfire of entrepreneurial spirit.
Within 24 hours, ‘Chad Thundercock’s Rainbow Rebellion,’ a clothing line featuring ultra-masculine, aggressively heterosexual designs… in every shade of the rainbow, was launched. Think camouflage, but gayer. Think leather, but with glitter. Think… well, you get the picture. The collection’s flagship item: a limited-edition, diamond-encrusted jockstrap, available only to those who can prove their heterosexuality with a notarized affidavit and a blood test (results must show zero traces of glitter).
Experts are baffled. Dr. Philomena Flufferbottom, professor of Queer Theory at the prestigious Institute for Advanced Wokeness, stated, “This is… unexpected. I initially predicted public shaming and career suicide. Instead, Chad has perfectly embodied the capitalist spirit of appropriation, proving that homophobia can, in fact, be a very lucrative business model. It's… brilliantly subversive, albeit unintentionally.”
The line is reportedly selling faster than Kylie Jenner’s lip kits, prompting rival athlete, Brittany ‘The Bitch’ Butterscotch, to announce her own line of ‘Butch-licious’ rainbow-themed sports bras. The ensuing battle of rainbow-branded apparel promises to be more fabulous and financially lucrative than any actual sporting event. So buckle up, buttercups. This isn’t just about Pride; it’s about Pride… *pricing*. The only thing more rainbow-colored than Chad's new merch is the amount of money he's making. We, here at the *Daily Woke*, applaud his commitment to both personal branding and straight-up exploitation of the queer community's buying power. Someone get this man a trophy… and a tax advisor.
