In a plot twist more dramatic than the final season of *Schitt’s Creek*, renowned anti-gay adoption activist Karen McKaren has adopted a pair of adorable, gender-fluid twins named Chardonnay and Pinot. Sources say the twins, who identify as attack helicopters on Tuesdays and glitter unicorns the rest of the week, were found abandoned near a drag queen story time event. McKaren, known for her passionate belief that children should only be raised by parents who adhere strictly to a heteronormative, beige lifestyle, has remained surprisingly tight-lipped about the situation, only offering a cryptic quote to the press: "They're... very… *spirited*. Much like my opinions on gender-neutral pronouns. Which I now use exclusively. Because, you know… *adaptability*. Bless their hearts."
Eyewitnesses report seeing McKaren sporting a rainbow-striped ‘Proud Auntie’ t-shirt and attempting (and failing) a TikTok dance trend to Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time.’ Experts are baffled by the sudden shift in McKaren’s stance, with leading sociologist Dr. Philomena Philander speculating, "Perhaps she finally realized that love knows no gender, or at least, that fabulous twin babies with an uncanny ability to perfectly execute a mean death drop outweighs one's previously held biases. Or maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome. Either way, it's great content for the culture wars!"
The twins, meanwhile, appear unfazed by the irony of their situation, spending their days crafting elaborate gender-bending outfits out of McKaren's collection of MAGA hats and tea cosies. They’re already planning a gender-reveal party for their new pet goldfish, a flamboyant creature named ‘Chad.’ The event is rumored to feature a drag show performance by a troupe of nuns, which, let’s be honest, is peak ‘woke’ chaos, and we are here. For. It.
In a further twist, McKaren has announced the family will be moving to San Francisco and opening a bakery specializing in gender-affirming cupcakes. The irony? It's so delicious, it's practically criminal. Or, you know, perfectly gay.
