In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community, renowned celebrity Chad Thundercock vehemently denied being gay yesterday, all while strolling hand-in-hand down Rodeo Drive with none other than the famously flamboyant, seven-foot-tall, glitter-encrusted peacock, Chad Thundercock Jr.
"I am, and always have been, 100% heterosexual," Chad Thundercock Sr. declared to the assembled throngs of paparazzi and bewildered onlookers, his voice surprisingly shrill given his physique which, let’s be honest, is ripped beyond the capabilities of a mere straight man. "This is merely a…platonic expression of friendship…a deeply meaningful bromance…a…uh…'man-on-man' handshake…gone wrong."
However, witnesses described the pair’s stroll as anything but platonic. Sources report numerous displays of PDA including, but not limited to, whispers of sweet nothings directly into each other’s ears, synchronized dance moves reminiscent of a Broadway production of 'Hairspray', and what one astute observer called a "suspiciously long and passionate hug" that ended with a simultaneous belch of what sounded suspiciously like shared champagne. Adding further fuel to the fire, a surprise guest appearance by the legendary RuPaul Charles was caught on camera, the drag queen queen herself gushing, "Honey, these two are more in love than a pair of swans in a wedding dress factory!"
The incident has sparked intense debate. Some conservatives are calling it a “woke agenda” and a “clear attack on the sanctity of marriage,” while others are busy comparing it to the time Beyoncé changed her hair. Many social media users have commented, expressing concern for Chad Sr.’s well-being, with one user writing, 'Poor Chad. He's clearly being gaslit into this relationship by a giant peacock.' Others expressed their relief that the pair did not engage in any public acts of affection which involved 'actual intercourse', a concern which some have dubbed 'excessively heterosexual'.
Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, Chad Thundercock Sr. remains steadfast in his denial. He claims the whole thing is a misunderstanding, and that he’s actually participating in a new avant-garde performance art piece called 'The Paradox of Straightness'. Critics are not convinced. We here at the Daily Satire await the inevitable public apology and coming-out story, preferably with matching rainbow-colored outfits, and a full rendition of 'I Will Survive.'
