In a stunning display of judicial hypocrisy that would make even the most seasoned legal eagle blush (or perhaps… feather?), Judge Thaddeus P. Hemlock III today ruled against the implementation of gender-neutral restrooms in the local courthouse. His reasoning? Apparently, 'common sense' and a deep-seated fear of individuals identifying as 'attack helicopters' sharing lavatories. However, sources close to the courtroom confirmed that within hours of delivering his verdict, Hemlock personally oversaw the installation of a sparkling, state-of-the-art, gender-neutral bathroom *directly* in his chambers.

'It's a matter of personal freedom,' Hemlock explained in a press conference, while simultaneously adjusting his flamboyant, rainbow-colored judicial wig. 'My truth is that I need a restroom that caters to my evolving gender fluidity, which, let's be clear, is far more important than the rights of, you know… other people.'

The judge's actions have sparked outrage (and, let's be honest, a certain degree of grudging admiration) among local conservatives. 'It's a travesty!' bellowed Councilman Bartholomew Bigglesworth, a man whose hairstyle strongly suggests a protracted battle with a particularly aggressive hairbrush. 'He's flagrantly disregarding the law! And frankly, the sheer audacity of having a gender-neutral bathroom that *actually works* is appalling.'

Legal experts, however, are less focused on the hypocrisy and more concerned about the potential implications. 'Does this precedent mean every judge can now interpret the law based on their own, deeply personal bathroom needs?' pondered Professor Anita Bathwater of the prestigious Yale Law School (known for its groundbreaking research on the correlation between bathroom access and the rise of sentient houseplants). 'I foresee a future of courtrooms adorned with bespoke lavatories reflecting every judge's personal journey of self-discovery, and I'm not sure I can handle that level of self-expression, even as an expert in the field of... well, this.'

Meanwhile, a GoFundMe page has been created to fund a gender-neutral restroom for the *entire* courthouse, with the goal of finally providing everyone – from court reporters to defendants accused of aggressively miming Beyoncé – equal access to facilities. Donations are being accepted, but only in the form of gender-neutral unicorn tears. (Cash is also accepted.)