In a stunning display of what can only be described as 'strategic heterosexuality,' Bartholomew Buttercup, CEO of the multinational conglomerate 'BlandCorp,' has been caught in a blatant act of performative allyship. First, Bartholomew, a man whose mustache rivals the handlebar glory of a 1970s porn star, single-handedly blocked BlandCorp's proposed Pride ad campaign, citing concerns about 'alienating the core demographic' (read: cisgender white men who still think 'gaydar' is a real thing). He justified this decision with the surprisingly poignant, 'It's just not good for business, you see.'

But, twist! Just days later, photographic evidence emerged of Bartholomew, his wife Delores (who strongly resembles a less-caffeinated Martha Stewart), and their brood of suspiciously perfect children frolicking in the local Pride parade, their smiles as bright as their meticulously coordinated rainbow-themed outfits. Sources say their matching ‘Love Wins’ t-shirts were custom-made using ethically sourced, non-GMO cotton. The irony, it stings!

Social media immediately exploded with a torrent of theories. Was it a calculated move to appease shareholders while simultaneously cultivating a 'woke' image? A desperate attempt to improve BlandCorp's abysmal ESG score? Or perhaps, just perhaps, Bartholomew is secretly a drag queen named 'Bartholomew Buttercup the Third: The Queen of Quiche,' a persona he only reveals in the privacy of his meticulously decorated, pastel-colored, underground bunker?

BlandCorp's stock, unsurprisingly, is up 3%. Experts attribute this surge to the heightened levels of public confusion and the collective inability to process the sheer audacity of Bartholomew's actions. This begs the question: Can a man who vetoes a Pride ad but actively participates in the parade with his family be truly considered a villain? Or is he simply the ultimate example of how modern capitalism weaponizes inclusivity to maximize profit?

One thing's for sure: Bartholomew Buttercup has achieved the ultimate level of millennial capitalism. He’s mastered the art of the performative apology, the calculated misstep, and most impressively, the complete lack of self-awareness. And for that, we salute him. (Sarcastically, of course. With our rainbow-colored, ethically-sourced, non-GMO salt shakers.)