In a plot twist more sickeningly sweet than a RuPaul’s Drag Race reunion episode, fire-and-brimstone preacher, Pastor Thaddeus Righteous, who last week delivered a sermon titled ‘The Devil Wears Prada…and Fishnets,’ has unexpectedly won the coveted title of Miss Gay Galaxy 2024. The win came as a shock to everyone, especially Pastor Righteous himself, who reportedly spent the last month tirelessly campaigning against the very event he ended up dominating.

His winning performance, a lip-sync battle to Beyoncé's 'Run the World (Girls)' while simultaneously reciting verses from Leviticus, was described by judges as 'a breathtaking paradox,' 'a stunning display of internalized homophobia,' and, by one particularly enthusiastic judge, 'the most confusingly delightful thing I've ever seen.' The performance included a particularly memorable moment where he dramatically ripped off his clerical collar to reveal a sparkly rainbow-sequined bustier, causing a ripple of gasps that quickly devolved into thunderous applause.

'It was a divine intervention,' claimed Pastor Righteous backstage, clutching his newly acquired crown and a half-eaten glazed donut. 'God works in mysterious ways, darling. He clearly wanted me to bring His message of love and acceptance...to the entire gay community...through the medium of fabulousness.'

Critics have wasted no time in weighing in. One prominent conservative commentator, known only as 'Concerned Citizen,' stated the result was 'absolutely outrageous and a clear sign that our society is crumbling.' However, the hashtag #PastorRighteousRedeemed is currently trending worldwide, with many LGBTQ+ activists praising the unexpected outcome as a 'masterclass in irony' and a 'powerful commentary on the fluidity of faith and identity.'

The real question remains: Will Pastor Righteous’s next sermon be a fiery denunciation of… glitter?

Only time, and the next episode of Miss Gay Galaxy, will tell.