In a move that has left even the most seasoned LGBTQ+ activists scratching their perfectly sculpted beards (and/or expertly plucked eyebrows), mega-corporation 'BroCorp' CEO, Reginald Hardboiled, announced a company-wide ban on hiring individuals who identify as LGBTQ+. Simultaneously, he promoted Chad Thundercock, a self-proclaimed 'ally' and avid participant in corporate 'Gay Bingo' nights, to Head of Inclusivity and Sensitivity Training.
"It's a matter of streamlining, you see," Hardboiled explained, adjusting his monogrammed tie, which featured a subtle depiction of a unicorn subtly riding a rainbow. "We need to focus on the core values of BroCorp: unwavering masculinity, aggressively heterosexual vibes, and a complete lack of emotional vulnerability. Chad, with his extensive experience in pretending to care, is the perfect fit."
The news immediately ignited a firestorm on social media. #ChadForInclusivity trended worldwide, alongside #IronyIsDead and #ReginaldHardboiledNeedsTherapy. Several prominent drag queens offered to personally tutor Hardboiled in the art of gender expression, while others suggested a more… direct intervention involving glitter bombs and a very loud rendition of "Born This Way."
Chad, meanwhile, seemed oblivious to the controversy, posting a selfie on LinkedIn captioned, "Crushing it! #BroCorp #Diversity #Inclusion #StillStraightTho." His profile picture features him wearing a rainbow-colored tie with a subtle depiction of a unicorn subtly riding a rainbow.
Experts weighed in, noting the event as a prime example of "performative allyship" gone spectacularly wrong. Dr. Ophelia Queef, renowned gender studies professor at the University of Woketopia, commented, "This situation is so absurd it's almost meta. It's like a parody of a parody, or possibly a fever dream fueled by too much kale and political discourse."
The situation at BroCorp remains fluid, much like the gender identity of the unicorn on Hardboiled's tie. One thing is certain: the popcorn is flying, and the satire writes itself.
