In a stunning turn of events that has the internet ablaze (and not just from the glitter cannons at the hastily organized 'Pride Picnic in the Park'), Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her surprisingly square dance moves, cancelled the annual Pride parade – only to then marry renowned drag queen, Bobbi Pinz, in a ceremony officiated by a gender-fluid alpaca named Fluffy.

The initial announcement of the parade's cancellation cited 'unforeseen logistical challenges involving the proper disposal of rainbow-colored confetti and the ethical sourcing of glitter.' Suspicions of homophobia were immediately dismissed by the Mayor's office, who pointed to McMillan's newly-minted 'Queer for the Cure' bumper sticker on her city-issued Prius as irrefutable proof of her unwavering support.

However, social media exploded when, mere hours later, photos surfaced of McMillan and Pinz exchanging vows amidst a cloud of environmentally-conscious biodegradable rose petals (sourced, of course, from a certified LGBTQ+-owned organic farm). The alpaca, Fluffy, reportedly performed a moving rendition of 'I Will Survive' in Alpaca-ese, which even the most seasoned anti-woke warriors admitted was surprisingly touching.

'It's all about intersectionality, darling,' proclaimed Pinz in a post-ceremony interview, while adjusting their seven-foot-tall rainbow feather boa. 'Mayor McMillan realized that true Pride isn't just about parades and parties. It's about acknowledging that systemic oppression needs to be tackled from within, even if that means temporarily cancelling a parade to create a truly woke, alpaca-blessed, marital union of epic proportions.'

Conservative pundits were, predictably, baffled. One particularly flustered commentator declared it 'a blatant display of woke tyranny disguised as marital bliss.' Another compared the event to the downfall of Rome, but ‘with more glitter and probably better hair.’

Meanwhile, the city is preparing for a series of 'woke' initiatives, including mandatory glitter-based yoga sessions and city council meetings held entirely in mime, to further engage with the city’s diverse populace. Stay tuned for more updates from this rapidly metamorphosing, surprisingly glamorous metropolis.