In a stunning twist that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative establishment (and mildly confused everyone else), Cuthbert Cumberbatch, CEO of the suspiciously named 'Straightlaced Solutions,' has been exposed as the secret benefactor behind 'Glitterbomb Glastonbury,' a queer festival so flamboyant it makes RuPaul's Drag Race look like a Quaker meeting. Cumberbatch, who just last week issued a company-wide ban on LGBTQ+ advertising citing concerns about 'brand dilution' (read: terrified of alienating his MAGA-hat-wearing golf buddies), has been secretly funneling millions into the festival, which features performances by drag queens who can out-glitter a disco ball, gender-bending interpretive dance troupes, and a surprisingly popular 'heterosexuals learn to vogue' workshop.

Sources close to the situation (who all happen to be wearing dazzling rainbow-colored capes) whisper that Cumberbatch’s motives are far from altruistic. "He's convinced that if he funds enough glitter-cannon extravaganzas, he can somehow ‘wash away’ his heteronormative sins and achieve enlightenment," one insider, who identifies only as ‘Sparklehoof,’ revealed during a live interview whilst juggling flaming torches. "It's like he's trying to buy his way into the gay community... with glitter."

This blatant hypocrisy has left many scratching their heads, while others are simply showering themselves in confetti and questioning the very nature of reality. Is this a masterful act of performance art, a desperate attempt at PR damage control, or simply the most convoluted gay agenda the world has ever witnessed? The answer, my friends, is probably 'yes.' The only thing clearer than the glitter at Glastonbury is that Cumberbatch's bizarre actions have only served to fuel the already-raging dumpster fire of societal discourse. Meanwhile, the 'Straightlaced Solutions' stock price is plummeting, presumably because nobody wants to be associated with a CEO who secretly believes that enough sequins can magically erase homophobia. Stay tuned for more updates, and remember to bring your glitter to the next shareholders' meeting.