In a stunning display of divine irony (or perhaps just spectacularly bad PR), Pastor Ezekiel Bile, known for his fire-and-brimstone sermons denouncing the "lifestyle choices" of LGBTQ+ individuals, has inadvertently created the most vibrant and inclusive LGBTQ+ support group this side of the Mississippi.
It all started, as these things often do, with a poorly worded flier. Pastor Bile, aiming to "eradicate the rainbow menace" from his congregation, announced a meeting titled "Resisting the Rainbow Reich: A Call to Arms for Traditional Values." He envisioned a staunch defense of heteronormative ideals, complete with pamphlets and possibly a singalong featuring the less-woke verses of 'Amazing Grace'.
However, the flier, printed on bright, aggressively pink paper (apparently a typographical error, according to the church secretary who claims she 'pressed the wrong button'), instead attracted a throng of enthusiastic LGBTQ+ individuals, interpreting the event as a 'safe space' to discuss the 'rainbow reich' of their own experiences.
What followed was less a battle for traditional values and more a surprisingly successful launch party for 'The Bile Brigade Bowlers', a surprisingly inclusive gay bowling league now so popular they've had to add a waiting list. Members, many of whom brought their significant others (of various genders and species), have reported feeling 'seen' and 'heard' by Pastor Bile's inadvertently welcoming environment.
"It's like he's accidentally channeling the holy spirit of acceptance," said Brenda, a member of the league who brought her pet llama, Kevin, along for the weekly games. Kevin, surprisingly, seems to excel at bowling.
Pastor Bile, meanwhile, is reportedly baffled and has hired a crisis management team that consists solely of his niece, Tiffany, who's currently working on a 'rebranding' strategy involving less pink paper and more aggressively neutral beige. He maintains that the league is a 'misunderstanding,' but rumours persist about him quietly joining the team under the alias 'Brother Righteous' and sporting a fabulous rainbow-coloured bowling ball. The future of Pastor Bile's war on 'the rainbow menace' remains uncertain. What is certain is that the ‘Bile Brigade Bowlers’ are already planning a charity tournament to raise funds for LGBTQ+ youth, and the event will undoubtedly be pink. Very, very pink.
