In a shocking twist that's left more heads spinning than a Beyoncé concert, Senator Bartholomew Bigglesworth, the staunch opponent of all things LGBTQ+ (except, apparently, himself), has come out as pansexual. The announcement, made during a particularly awkward press conference featuring a surprisingly large amount of kale, sent shockwaves through the nation – a nation that, frankly, is quite used to political earthquakes, but maybe not one involving so much leafy green matter.
Bigglesworth, known for his fiery rhetoric comparing same-sex marriage to ‘a casserole of societal decay’ (a quote oddly missing from his campaign website now), explained his newfound pansexuality with the gravitas of a toddler announcing they’ve discovered the joy of finger painting. "I've had a revelation," he declared, his face as green as the kale smoothie he was conspicuously sipping. "Love is… love is… well, it's like kale. It’s versatile! You can put it in everything!"
Critics have expressed a range of reactions, from stunned silence to outright outrage, with one particularly irate conservative commenting, "I knew he was weird, but I didn't think he was *this* weird. Kale? Really? This is what we're focusing on while the economy is tanking?"
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ activists are equally bewildered. "Honestly," said activist Willow Smithers (no relation), "I'm more concerned about the kale than his sudden acceptance of pansexuality. Is he trying to start a smoothie cult? Is this a performance art piece? Because I'm almost out of avocado toast, and I need answers."
The sudden shift has spawned a flurry of memes – primarily centered around the kale – and a surprisingly robust online marketplace selling ‘Bigglesworth Kale Smoothies: Taste the Rainbow (of Political Confusion).’ Experts are debating whether Bigglesworth's announcement is a genuine moment of self-discovery, a cynical political manoeuvre, or simply a desperate attempt to distract from his questionable campaign finance practices. Whatever the reason, one thing’s for certain: the kale is clearly winning. And it’s going to be in everything.
