In a stunning display of what can only be described as ‘ironic theological entrepreneurship,’ Pastor Ezekiel ‘Zeke’ Hardrock of the ‘Solid Rock Baptist Church’ (which, ironically, is built on a fault line) has been simultaneously burning Pride flags in the church parking lot and selling rainbow-colored, lavender-scented candles inside the church hall. The event has sent shockwaves – or perhaps, more accurately, gentle ripples of bewilderment – through the local community.

Witnesses report seeing Pastor Hardrock, clad in a ‘Jesus is My Co-Pilot’ t-shirt (which, we can only assume, has a rainbow-striped version in the works), enthusiastically setting ablaze the symbols of LGBTQ+ pride. Simultaneously, church members, faces alight with what one observer described as 'a strange mixture of sanctimony and entrepreneurial zeal,’ were hawking the candles at a surprisingly brisk pace. "It's a two-pronged approach to salvation," one woman, identified only as ‘Beth,’ explained to our reporter. "We purge the unholy symbols of sin while simultaneously profiting from the very colors associated with it. It’s… efficient."

The price of the candles? A surprisingly reasonable $25 each, with proceeds supposedly going towards a ‘new sound system for the choir,’ which, according to church announcements, is scheduled to perform a completely heterosexual version of Whitney Houston’s ‘I Wanna Dance with Somebody’ at their next service.

Social media has exploded with reactions, ranging from furious condemnations to bewildered memes featuring Pastor Hardrock alongside Elon Musk, labelled as 'The ultimate capitalist prophets'. One user, @woke_bae_69, tweeted: "So, is this like… the ultimate capitalist rainbow-washing? Or are we supposed to celebrate the irony? I'm genuinely confused, and my therapist is on hold."

When questioned about the apparent contradiction, Pastor Hardrock only offered a cryptic smile and whispered, ‘The market demands… diversity.’ He then promptly returned to burning a particularly flamboyant flag while simultaneously signing autographs on the rainbow candles, proving that the only thing more diverse than God's love is the Pastor's merchandising strategy.