In a shocking twist that has left conservative pundits sputtering more iced tea than a drag queen at a Pride parade, Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her staunch opposition to ‘all that rainbow nonsense,’ has inadvertently funded the newly opened ‘Glitter Gulch LGBTQ+ Wellness Center’ to the tune of $1 million. The money, originally earmarked for a new monument to ‘traditional family values’ (a suspiciously life-sized bronze statue of a nuclear family with suspiciously sculpted abs), was apparently misdirected due to a clerical error involving what sources describe as 'a rogue rainbow-colored stapler' and a 'surprisingly effective glitter bomb attack' orchestrated by a mysterious group known only as the 'Queer Q-Anon.'

Mayor McMillan, in a statement released through gritted teeth and a rapidly dwindling supply of chamomile tea, insisted the funding was a 'horrendous mistake,' a sentiment echoed by her spokesperson, Chad Chadlington, who added, "The Mayor's position on LGBTQ+ issues remains unchanged: it's like, totally fabulous, but, you know, *privately*. We prefer to keep our fabulousness behind closed doors, like a really expensive, perfectly curated closet."

However, the Glitter Gulch Wellness Center, adorned with a pride flag the size of a small car and offering services ranging from hormone replacement therapy to 'Drag 101: The Art of Sass,' is thriving. Local residents, initially concerned about the 'lavender menace,' now report unprecedented levels of joy, acceptance, and suspiciously well-hydrated skin. One elderly resident, Agnes Periwinkle, confided, "I came for the free prostate exams, but stayed for the fabulous karaoke night. Turns out, RuPaul's 'Supermodel' is a surprisingly good stress reliever."

This unexpected boon for the LGBTQ+ community has sparked a national debate, with some commentators calling it a ‘divine intervention,’ others calling it a ‘gaypocalypse’ (a term apparently coined by someone who doesn't understand the apocalypse metaphor), and one particularly confused Fox News contributor labeling it 'a complete and utter… *fabulous* disaster.' As the investigation into the 'rainbow stapler' continues, one thing is certain: the only thing straighter than Mayor McMillan's stance is the path to Glitter Gulch’s increasingly popular drag brunches.