In a shocking twist that has sent ripples of – dare we say it – *positive* energy throughout the heteronormative establishment, action movie icon Chad Thundercock, known for his staunch opposition to same-sex marriage (and his surprisingly extensive collection of action figures), has secretly wed his male partner, renowned drag queen, Crystal Methyd. Sources close to the couple (who insist on being referred to as 'partners in crime' – a phrase that seemingly holds much deeper meaning now) confirm the nuptials took place in a secluded Icelandic glacier, officiated by a gender-fluid shaman wearing nothing but a strategically placed rainbow flag.
Thundercock, whose previous statements regarding same-sex marriage are now being described by his publicist as 'youthful indiscretions fueled by a crippling fear of glitter,' claims he's undergone a 'spiritual awakening' involving a particularly intense ayahuasca ceremony and a three-hour conversation with RuPaul himself. 'I realized,' he confessed in a statement, punctuated by frequent sobs, 'that true masculinity is about embracing one's authentic self, even if that self is rocking a pair of six-inch heels and a fabulous wig.'
Conservative pundits are, unsurprisingly, losing their minds. One commentator, whose face resembled a particularly aggressive prune, spluttered, 'This is an outrage! It's a blatant attempt to normalize... to... *normalize*! It's all part of the liberal agenda! Next thing you know, they'll be pushing gender-neutral toilets and... and avocado toast!' (The avocado toast comment was met with perplexed silence from the studio audience.)
Meanwhile, social media is ablaze with memes depicting Thundercock in a wedding dress fighting off hordes of enraged, yet strangely alluring, bigots. The hashtag #ChadGotHitched is trending worldwide, proving once again that even the most staunch homophobes can't resist a good, gloriously queer spectacle.
The wedding cake, we hear, was a seven-tiered masterpiece sculpted to resemble a muscular, shirtless Chad Thundercock astride a majestic unicorn. The unicorn, sources say, was also gay. Because, you know, why not?
