In a stunning display of political hypocrisy so blatant it practically screams 'read my lips,' Senator Dwayne 'Dick' Cheney III, known for his staunch anti-LGBTQ+ stance and recent bill proposing that rainbows be outlawed as 'offensive to traditional values,' has adopted a charming eight-year-old boy named Glitter. Yes, Glitter. And yes, he's gay.

Sources close to the Cheney family (who all suspiciously resemble Ken dolls) say Glitter was found abandoned on the steps of the Capitol building, clutching a copy of 'Paris is Burning' and a half-eaten rainbow-colored cupcake. Senator Cheney, upon seeing the child's flawlessly applied glitter eyeshadow, apparently declared, 'This child is a beacon of hope! A testament to the American spirit... that needs to be strictly regulated!'

The internet, naturally, is exploding. Some are calling it a masterstroke of queer performative allyship, claiming Cheney is so deep in the closet he's accidentally stumbled into a Pride parade. Others are suggesting that Glitter is a highly trained government operative, sent to infiltrate the heart of the anti-LGBTQ+ movement. This theory is bolstered by the fact Glitter reportedly speaks fluent French, can code in Python, and once single-handedly won a national spelling bee by correctly spelling 'homophobia.'

'It's truly a groundbreaking moment,' says Professor Anya Petrova, a leading expert on the 'Accidental Gay Agenda,' a term she coined after years of studying politicians who inexplicably adopt gay children despite vehemently opposing gay rights. 'It challenges our understanding of hypocrisy, of political theatre, and of whether or not Glitter is actually a tiny, sophisticated lizard person.'

Senator Cheney's office has yet to comment, though a staffer was overheard muttering something about 'unforeseen consequences' and the 'sudden, inexplicable popularity of glitter cannons.' This, of course, only fueled speculation. In the meantime, Glitter has apparently taken up residence in the Senator's office, where he's currently reorganizing the filing system according to the principles of feng shui and planning a drag show for the upcoming Senate hearings. We’re not sure what the future holds for the Senator, but one thing’s for certain: this is going to be a wild ride.