In a move that has sent ripples of outrage (and a surprising number of glitter bombs) through the corporate world, tech CEO Chad Thundercock has banned gender-neutral bathrooms at his company, replacing them with a single, extravagantly decorated, private restroom he's dubbed the "Gender-Fluid Oasis." The Oasis boasts a rainbow-colored lava lamp, a curated selection of self-help books on embracing one's inner unicorn, and a lifetime supply of artisanal lavender-scented hand soap (because, as Chad explained in a now-viral internal memo, 'toxic masculinity smells like cheap aftershave').
Critics, many sporting ironically-placed 'Love is Love' pins, have labelled the move a blatant display of 'cis-privilege.' "It's absurd!" shrieked Brenda Glitterbomb, a prominent activist known for her flamboyant use of glitter cannons and her uncanny resemblance to a less-hinged Lady Gaga. "He's essentially created a luxury bathroom for himself while forcing everyone else to navigate the tyranny of binary bathrooms! It's the ultimate microaggression, served with a side of artisanal avocado toast."
Chad, however, remains unfazed. "Look," he stated in a press release written entirely in Comic Sans, "I'm all about inclusivity, but let's be honest, some people just aren't ready for the breathtaking fluidity of my gender expression. My private oasis is a safe space for me to process my feelings and maybe even have a little cry while admiring the carefully curated collection of vintage RuPaul's Drag Race dolls." He then added, rather ominously, that the company's next team-building exercise will involve a trust fall into a giant ball pit filled with rainbow sprinkles.
Meanwhile, the hashtag #ChadThundercockBathroomGate is trending worldwide, sparking a heated debate about bathroom accessibility, gender identity, and the surprisingly high price of artisanal lavender soap. Some have even begun a Change.org petition demanding Chad be forced to share his 'Gender-Fluid Oasis,' arguing that such opulence should be enjoyed communally, in true socialist-transhumanist spirit. The future of corporate bathroom policy, it seems, remains delightfully chaotic.
