In a twist more shocking than a RuPaul’s Drag Race elimination, conservative TV personality Tucker Carlson was the surprise keynote speaker at this year's annual Gay Pride parade. The event, initially planned as a celebration of love and acceptance (and glitter cannons), quickly devolved into an absurdist masterpiece of unintentional irony.

Carlson, known for his…let’s call them ‘robust’ opinions on LGBTQ+ issues, delivered a speech that was, to put it mildly, a rollercoaster. He started by staunchly defending his previous criticisms of the community – which, for context, included calling drag queens ‘groomers’ and referring to gay marriage as ‘an abomination’ – but then somehow segued into a passionate defense of… ‘personal freedom’. His logic was as opaque as a rainbow after a nuclear winter, but the audience, a surprisingly tolerant bunch, seemed to enjoy the show.

Sources say his speech ended with a heartfelt rendition of ‘Dancing Queen’, complete with impressive, albeit slightly stiff, hip movements. Some viewers remarked his performance was eerily reminiscent of a penguin attempting ballet. Afterward, he was reportedly seen attempting to master the art of the ‘death drop’ with a surprisingly dedicated, albeit clumsy, effort.

One attendee, identified only as ‘Chad’, commented, ‘It was... confusing. Like, watching a dolphin try to solve a Rubik's Cube while simultaneously explaining quantum physics. But in a flamboyant, sparkly way. 10/10, would watch again.’

The event organizers, overwhelmed by the sheer unexpectedness of it all, simply stated that they ‘embraced the chaos’ and that the whole affair was ‘a powerful example of the unifying spirit of… something’.

Regardless, one thing is certain: the internet exploded. Memes spread faster than the rumour that Carlson secretly runs a glitter bomb factory. Twitter went into meltdown, a kaleidoscope of reactions ranging from utter bewilderment to complete and utter chaos. Perhaps the most unexpected comment came from a known anti-LGBTQ+ group, who simply tweeted: ‘We need a bigger boat.’ We're not entirely sure what that means, either. But we're definitely going to add it to the bingo card for next year's Pride.

Experts are baffled, theologians are speechless, and social media is currently undergoing a complete implosion of hilarious hot takes. The only thing certain is: the world just became that much more delightfully bizarre.