In a stunning display of…well, something, Gwyneth Paltrow, purveyor of jade eggs and questionable wellness advice, has simultaneously condemned drag queens as ‘too flamboyant for my brand of conscious uncoupling’ and launched ‘Goop Drag: Finding Your Inner RuPaul,’ a six-part Netflix series promising to transform ‘straight-laced suburbanites into sickeningly fabulous queens.’ Sources close to the situation (who wish to remain anonymous to avoid being ‘cancelled’ by the Goop lifestyle gurus) claim Ms. Paltrow experienced a sudden, spiritually-awakened realization during a particularly potent chakra-aligning sound bath involving a troupe of drag queens lip-syncing to ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears. This epiphany, they suggest, caused a complete 180-degree shift in her perspective.

Apparently, condemning drag was just a phase. A phase that involved the immediate purchase of several thousand yards of iridescent tulle and enough glitter to single-handedly restore the ozone layer. The show, according to leaked promotional materials, promises a journey of self-discovery that includes 'artisanal eyebrow shaping using only organic, fair-trade crystals,' 'fierce lip-sync battles to Taylor Swift’s discography,' and a ‘transformative experience designed to unleash your inner queen – even if that inner queen secretly works in accounting.’

Critics are already calling the show ‘peak irony,’ a ‘masterclass in performative wokeness,’ and a ‘potential gateway to a deeper understanding of the inherent fluidity of gender expression’ (depending on your level of irony-induced existential dread). One prominent conservative commentator, whose name shall not be mentioned to protect the innocent from the sheer cringe-worthiness of his latest tweets, merely described the whole affair as ‘a blatant attack on the sanctity of heteronormative family values’, which is a phrase that's almost as ironically dated as Ms. Paltrow's early-2000s fashion choices. Ironically, the show’s debut is being accompanied by an accompanying line of Goop-branded glitter bombs, proving that the path to enlightenment is often paved with shimmering, potentially harmful, micro-particles.