In a stunning turn of events that's left the conservative PTA clutching their pearls tighter than a Kardashian on a low-carb diet, Mildred Crabtree, the teacher who famously banned all LGBTQ+ events from Willow Creek Elementary (claiming they were ‘indoctrinating’ the children with ‘rainbow propaganda’), has been appointed the school's Pride Ambassador.

It all started, as these things often do, with a spectacularly misguided email. Mrs. Crabtree, known for her fondness for sensible cardigans and the color beige, sent a fiery missive to the school board, comparing drag queen story time to a satanic ritual and claiming that children exposed to LGBTQ+ themes were at risk of spontaneously developing a penchant for glitter. (We’re still investigating the glitter connection. Early reports suggest the threat is far more whimsical than menacing.)

The email, hilariously, went viral. In the ensuing chaos, the school board, in a desperate attempt to avoid any further public relations nightmares (and, let’s be honest, to avoid dealing with the avalanche of ‘#CrabtreeForPride’ memes), decided to embrace the absurdity. Rather than fire her, they appointed Mrs. Crabtree Pride Ambassador, reasoning that her dramatic conversion would be an even better public relations stunt than any actual inclusive event.

Mrs. Crabtree, looking slightly shell-shocked but sporting a surprisingly well-executed rainbow scarf (we suspect a frantic online shopping spree was involved), addressed the student body during the unveiling of a new pride flag featuring a unicorn riding a unicycle. Her speech, a masterpiece of unintentional irony, started with, "I'm not saying I suddenly support all this... uh... *color*, but... uh... let's just celebrate being different!"

The school's official statement reads: "Mrs. Crabtree’s passionate commitment to... let’s just say... *vigorous* expression of opinion has given us a unique opportunity to celebrate the spectrum of perspectives. We believe her newfound role as Pride Ambassador will further enrich our school’s diverse, and somewhat bewildered, community."

Critics, however, remain unconvinced. One local parent, clutching a pamphlet entitled, "Protecting Your Children From the Rainbow Menace," grumbled, "It’s all part of the liberal agenda! Next thing you know, they’ll be making us all watch RuPaul's Drag Race at family movie night." To which we respond: Honey, please. Where do we sign up?