In a move that has left the internet simultaneously baffled and strangely impressed, Cuthbert “Cuthbert” Butterfield III, CEO of Butterfield & Sons (makers of the surprisingly popular ‘Buttercup’ brand of artisanal butter), has banned all LGBTQ+ employees from his company, simultaneously donating a cool million dollars to the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD). Butterfield, a man whose mustache could rival Tom Selleck's in both size and questionable life choices, released a statement explaining his actions: "Look, I'm not homophobic, I just... really, really dislike rainbows. They’re distracting. Affects productivity. It’s science. Look it up. Anyway, to prove my heteronormative commitment to... uh... diversity? I'm donating a million to GLAAD! Consider it reparations for the... discomfort. Think of it as a hefty tip for the emotional labor of enduring my… presence."

Social media has exploded. #ButtercupBoycott is trending, alongside #ButterfieldIsConfused, and the slightly more cryptic #IsThisCancelCulture?. One Twitter user, @WokeAFQueen, commented, "He's playing 5D chess...or maybe he just needs a new therapist. Either way, GLAAD's got a new yacht budget."

The controversy isn't just online. Employees are, to put it mildly, 'pissed.' One anonymous former employee, identifying only as 'Chad,' said: "He banned us from company picnics! The ones with the rainbow-sprinkled cupcakes! This is worse than the time he tried to implement a mandatory 'manly-man' yoga class. And that involved interpretive dance involving goats."

Butterfield's PR team has attempted damage control by releasing a series of bizarre infographics claiming that banning LGBTQ+ employees improves ‘synergy,’ promotes ‘traditional values,’ and somehow increases butter sales. One infographic even suggested a correlation between rainbow aversion and improved lactose tolerance. Experts remain skeptical, calling it "a desperate attempt to weave a narrative as plausible as a flat earth theory on a spinning top."

Meanwhile, GLAAD has yet to comment, presumably busy counting the money and wondering whether to invest in a new, significantly larger yacht, perhaps one with an onboard rainbow-themed disco ball. The saga continues…