In a move that has left diversity consultants scrambling for their artisanal kale smoothies and therapists scrambling for their appointment books, CEO Chad Thundercock of MegaCorp has announced a truly groundbreaking initiative. He’s simultaneously *blocked* the company’s LGBTQ+ diversity and inclusion program, while simultaneously implementing a revolutionary, aggressively inclusive hiring policy.
"It's all about nuance," Chad explained, adjusting his bespoke $5,000 rainbow-striped tie (ironically purchased from a sweatshop in Bangladesh, details conveniently omitted from the press release). "We were simply being too *obvious* about our support. This new approach? It's *subversive*. It's *disruptive*. Think of it as… guerilla inclusivity."
The blocked diversity program, according to an anonymous source who wished to remain nameless to protect their avocado toast supply, involved 'too many feelings' and 'uncomfortable conversations about privilege.' The new hiring policy, on the other hand, mandates that every new employee must demonstrate proficiency in at least three drag queen storytimes, participate in a mandatory 'Queer Eye'-style makeover, and successfully navigate a blindfolded tequila tasting with RuPaul's official chihuahua, Pierluigi.
Critics – mostly disgruntled members of the straight, white, cisgender male demographic who now find themselves outnumbered by flamboyant, gender-fluid coding ninjas – have accused Chad of 'virtue signaling gone rogue.' Others, however, hail the move as a stroke of pure genius. "He’s basically weaponized wokeness," gushed one enthusiastic HR rep, before promptly bursting into tears over the sheer magnificence of it all.
Meanwhile, shares of MegaCorp are skyrocketing. Apparently, the Wall Street bros are now obsessed with the idea of Chad’s secret ‘woke-capitalist’ playbook. We are patiently awaiting a limited-edition NFT collection to celebrate this momentous occasion. It will, naturally, be incredibly expensive and completely sold out instantly. Because inclusivity, darling, is *expensive*.
