In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Chad Thundercock, CEO of 'Bro-Tech Solutions,' has banned rainbow flags from company premises, citing concerns about 'excessive workplace cheer.' Simultaneously, leaked internal memos reveal a lavish, invite-only 'Gaylaxy' party—think glitter cannons, drag queens doing interpretive dance to Taylor Swift, and a rainbow-colored cheese fountain that would make even RuPaul gag with delight—held in the CEO's private penthouse.
Sources describe the event as 'fiercely inclusive, yet aggressively exclusive.' One anonymous employee, who wished to be identified only as 'Kiki' (to maintain a 'safe space'), stated, "It was like a secret society for the already accepted. Chad's got the inclusivity of a velvet rope club, apparently." The whole affair is dripping with the irony of a Kylie Jenner-themed vegan food truck.
Critics have slammed the move, calling it 'performative allyship' of the highest order. Professor Armond Pumpernickel of the Institute for Studying Performative Allyship (I.S.P.A) declared, "This is the pinnacle of capitalist rainbow-washing! Chad's basically saying, 'Look, I tolerate you all enough to throw a private party where my privilege buys me even *more* rainbows!' It's like buying a Tesla to counteract your carbon footprint while simultaneously running a coal mine."
Bro-Tech Solutions has yet to comment, aside from a vaguely apologetic statement released that claims the rainbow flag ban is a temporary measure to ensure 'brand consistency.' They conveniently failed to clarify what constitutes 'brand consistency' when a private party involves a drag queen lip-syncing to Beyoncé's 'Break My Soul' while Chad Thundercock attempts (and spectacularly fails) to twerk. The internal memo also featured the phrase 'Inclusivity is the new black,' which is already trending on Twitter, sparking the question: is 'inclusivity' inherently self-contradictory? And is this the beginning of the end for capitalism, or just another Monday? Only time—and possibly a follow-up 'Gaylaxy' event—will tell.
Stay tuned to this channel for further updates on this unprecedented, utterly bizarre, yet somehow entirely predictable, event.
