In a stunning reversal that’s left the heteronormative community in a state of utter bewilderment (and frankly, mild existential dread), controversial tennis player Karen DeVille, known for her outspoken opposition to ‘biological women’ playing with 'actual women,' has launched the 'Inclusivity Olympics.' Initially, DeVille, whose Instagram bio once simply read 'Tennis Pro, God Fearing,' was lambasted for her comments on trans athletes. She claimed that their participation was 'unfair' because 'they have, like, extra stamina or something...I saw it on TikTok.'

But a surprisingly swift (and possibly Adderall-fueled) epiphany led to DeVille's new initiative. The 'Inclusivity Olympics' will boast events such as 'Synchronized Swimming with Sentient Mermaids,' 'Weightlifting with Extra-Terrestrial Allies,' and 'Discus Throw – Men's, Women's, Gender-Fluid, and Existentially Questioning Divisions.' DeVille insisted, 'It's all about celebrating differences! Even if those differences are the existence of a multitude of genders. Which is more than two, obviously. I’m working on adding a 'Unicorn Rodeo' event, for optimal diversity.', she concluded.

The games’ mascot? A flamboyant llama named Sparklehoof, naturally. Sources say the llama's selection was unanimous, fueled by copious amounts of kombucha and a profound understanding of the complexities of queer representation in sports. Critics have voiced concerns about Sparklehoof's apparent lack of athletic skill and his unsettlingly piercing stare, but DeVille insists he brings an 'authentically diverse perspective'. The event’s sponsors include Etsy and the ‘Queer Eye’ cast. The games are expected to be a smash hit – or possibly a spectacular train wreck. But honestly, we can't wait to find out! Stay tuned for updates on the inclusion of sentient houseplants and the addition of the ‘Pansexual Pole Vault’ competition.