In a shocking display of… well, something, Mayor Mildred McMillan has banned rainbow flags from city hall, claiming they ‘cause too much joy and threaten the sanctity of beige.’ Simultaneously, however, she’s had her entire office repainted in a dizzying array of rainbow hues, citing ‘a spontaneous, deeply personal connection to the vibrant spectrum of human sexuality.’ Experts are baffled.

Sources say the mayor, who previously only wore beige cardigans, now sports a dazzling array of rainbow-striped socks and a ‘Love is Love’ pin that seems to vibrate with queer energy. Her spokesperson, a suspiciously cheerful chihuahua named Beyoncé, explained that the mayor’s actions are ‘a bold statement on the complexities of modern identity, a journey of self-discovery, and also a really great way to use up that leftover paint from Pride Month.’

The decision has sparked outrage amongst… well, primarily the beige cardigan lobby and those with an inexplicable aversion to happiness. One disgruntled resident, Bartholomew Buttonsworth III, remarked, ‘This is an outrage! It's a slippery slope from rainbow flags to… *gasp*… actual acceptance!’

Meanwhile, the city’s LGBTQ+ community is equally confused but is taking advantage of the free rainbow-themed photo ops in the mayor’s office. A local drag queen, aptly named Sparkle McGlitterbomb, commented, ‘Honestly, I'm low-key terrified, but also… free photoshoots? I’ll take it.’

The mayor’s actions are being hailed by some as a masterpiece of performative activism, while others question if it’s simply a midlife crisis expressed through Pantone swatches. Whatever it is, one thing’s for sure: beige is officially cancelled. Or is it? The mayor's decision on the future color palette of her bathroom is still pending.