In a stunning display of what some are calling ‘ironic inclusivity’ and others are calling ‘a blatant, rainbow-hued middle finger to the straight community,’ Mayor Mildred McMillan has banned the display of rainbow flags in public spaces while simultaneously painting her office, and indeed the entire town hall, in a dizzying kaleidoscope of LGBTQ+ pride colors.
'It's a matter of principle,' McMillan proclaimed during a press conference held against a backdrop of shimmering, iridescent paint – which, incidentally, cost taxpayers more than the annual budget for the town's potholes. 'The rainbow is a symbol of hope, of diversity, of… well, of rainbows! And that’s why we've banned the cheap, mass-produced versions. We are going high-end here, people. Think of it as rainbow-themed gentrification.’
The ban, which affects everything from Pride flags to those rainbow-colored shoelaces favoured by Gen Z, has sent shockwaves (of colour) through the community. One local resident, a Mr. Chad Thundercock, was quoted as saying: 'This is an outrage! I mean, I was planning on using my rainbow-striped socks for my ‘Murica day picnic. Now how am I supposed to show my patriotism?', his statement ending in a flurry of spittle and incoherent grumbling about 'woke snowflakes' and 'cancel culture'.
Meanwhile, a local bakery, ‘Betty’s Buns,’ reported record sales of rainbow-coloured cupcakes. The owner, a transgender woman named Britney Spears (no relation), said: 'It's a win-win. Mayor McMillan bans the flags, everyone gets more cupcakes. It's like a reverse Robin Hood, except instead of money, it’s sugar and delightful queer rebellion.'
The situation has become so overwhelmingly technicolour that even the town's esteemed meteorologist, Dr. Rainbow Dash, has been forced to issue a weather warning, advising residents to wear shades to avoid temporary blindness due to the intense saturation of prismatic hues. 'It's not just rainbows, folks,' Dr. Dash warned, 'it's a full-blown prism-pocalypse!'
The mayor’s office has yet to respond to calls requesting comment on the escalating situation, their only statement being a single, defiant tweet consisting of a GIF of RuPaul sashay'ing away in a dazzling rainbow gown.
