In a shocking turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative community (and possibly a few tectonic plates), Olympic weightlifter Chad Thundercock – known for his staunchly conservative views and impressive bicep circumference – has announced his rejection of Pride branding on his latest sponsorship deal. Instead, he’s launching his own fitness line, 'Gay Gains,' which, according to Chad, is 'a whole new level of inclusivity.'

'Look,' Chad explained in a press conference surrounded by suspiciously muscular individuals sporting rainbow armbands, 'I’m not saying I’m *against* Pride. It’s just... too mainstream, you know? Like, wearing a rainbow is *so* last year. Besides, that subtle shade of pink doesn’t exactly scream “maximum gains.”'

The 'Gay Gains' line promises to deliver 'muscle-building euphoria for everyone,' featuring an array of products such as 'The RuPaul's Drag Race Protein Shake' (guaranteed to make you sashay away from flabbiness), 'The Elton John Flexibility Kit' (featuring rocket man-inspired stretches), and 'The Harvey Milk Power Bar' (fortifies you with the strength to face down any homophobic remark). Moreover, Chad insists that 'Gay Gains' is “committed to body positivity for all genders and orientations, even the ones I’ve never heard of.”

Critics, naturally, have not taken kindly to Chad’s volte-face. One prominent voice from the far-right, referred to only as 'Karen' in press releases (to protect her from further ridicule), labeled Chad’s initiative 'an assault on traditional values and the very fabric of society... or maybe just on the fabric of my favorite exercise leggings, because *that* shade of pink was so much better.'

However, others have embraced Chad's entrepreneurial spirit. The openly gay influencer, 'Chad Thundercock Jr.' (no relation), tweeted, 'Papa Chad is bringing the gains and the gays! Get your sweat on, darlings!' The tweet was promptly accompanied by a thirst trap video showcasing impressive gains. Chad Senior has yet to comment on the striking resemblance.

The 'Gay Gains' launch party is slated for next week, and promises to be an event of epic proportions, featuring a performance by a 7-foot drag queen, a shirtless weightlifting competition (with a diverse range of body types, we are assured), and an open bar fueled entirely by organic kale smoothies. If you can't handle the heat, well, darling, get out of the kitchen… or at least, off the weight bench.