In a stunning revelation that has sent shockwaves through the kale-smoothie-consuming, Goop-obsessed masses, Gwyneth Paltrow has announced her new memoir, 'Conscious Uncoupling... From the Patriarchy and My Hetero-Normative Past.' The book, reportedly ghostwritten by a collective of gender-fluid sentient houseplants, details Paltrow’s arduous journey from meticulously curated heterosexuality to a breathtakingly liberated state of queer fluidity.

'It all started,' Paltrow reveals in an exclusive interview conducted via astral projection, 'with a particularly potent blend of jade roller oil and ayahuasca. Suddenly, I understood: the patriarchy's enforced binary view of gender was just... *limiting*. My vagina felt oppressed. My chakras were misaligned. It was a total paradigm shift.'

The memoir, naturally, features numerous recipes for 'gender-affirming' smoothies (including one made with ethically sourced unicorn tears), as well as detailed instructions on how to perform 'Queer Yoga' (apparently, downward-facing dog now requires a thorough deconstruction of traditional gender roles).

Early reviews are mixed. One critic described the book as 'an excruciatingly self-indulgent meditation on the privileged anxieties of a multi-millionaire.' Another, more positively inclined, described it as 'the most expensive compost I've ever read.'

Conservative commentators, predictably, are furious. Rush Limbaugh (from beyond the grave, presumably) called the memoir 'a blatant assault on the sanctity of heterosexual marriage and the fundamental principles of… well, everything.' Tucker Carlson, meanwhile, has dedicated several segments to investigating the supposed link between Paltrow's queer awakening and the rise of sentient houseplants.

But for the rest of us? It’s just another Tuesday in the increasingly bewildering, yet undeniably entertaining, world of woke celebrity culture. So grab your gender-neutral pronouns, your artisanal kombucha, and settle in for another chapter in the ongoing saga of Gwyneth's ongoing spiritual journey… and possibly another ludicrously priced jade roller.