In a move so audacious it makes a Beyoncé surprise album drop look predictable, Preston Blumpington III, CEO of the ironically named 'Straight Arrow' corporation, has simultaneously banned all same-sex partnerships within the company AND announced a groundbreaking partnership with the 'GlitterBomb Brigade,' a notoriously flamboyant LGBTQ+ advocacy group.

Blumpington, whose family fortune was built on the controversial ‘pro-heteronormativity’ line of novelty socks, released a statement explaining his contradictory actions. 'We believe in the traditional family unit,' he declared, while simultaneously pouring glitter onto a giant cardboard cutout of himself dressed as RuPaul. 'However, we also believe in the power of the dollar. And let’s be honest, those rainbow-themed spreadsheets practically sell themselves.'

The 'GlitterBomb Brigade' expressed… guarded optimism. 'Look, we're not gonna lie, his initial policy was, shall we say, 'a bit much,' said spokesperson, Alexis Sparklehoof, sporting a fabulous three-tiered wig that could house a small family of squirrels. 'But the million-dollar sponsorship? Honey, it's enough to fund our drag queen story hour for the next five years. We’ll teach the children to resist oppression—and the importance of good marketing.'

Meanwhile, employees are grappling with the bizarre dichotomy. 'It's like they're trying to rewrite the narrative,' quipped one unnamed employee, who requested to be identified only as 'Chad, but actually, I'm a non-binary influencer named Cass now.' 'On one hand, I can't get my benefits to cover my same-sex partner’s gender-affirming surgery. But on the other, my office now has a permanent supply of rainbow-colored confetti. I don’t know what's more confusing, the corporate policy or the sudden influx of sparkle.'

This unprecedented incident has sparked widespread debate, with some hailing Blumpington as a visionary ahead of his time, while others are quietly stocking up on therapy appointments. One thing's for sure: the only thing straighter than Straight Arrow's newfound rainbow branding is the line forming for the new ‘woke’ novelty socks.