In a move that's simultaneously baffling and breathtakingly tone-deaf, Senator Bartholomew 'Bart' Higgins, known for his staunch opposition to 'woke' culture, has legally changed his name to Mx. Chardonnay Spritzer and declared his preferred pronouns as they/themself. This comes after Higgins infamously mocked the use of gender-neutral pronouns during a Senate hearing, calling them 'a bunch of woke nonsense' and comparing them to 'a flock of particularly flamboyant pigeons.'

Sources say Higgins's dramatic shift stemmed from a poorly-attended, yet surprisingly enthusiastic, presentation on 'The Joy of Non-Binary Identity' at his local quilting circle. 'He', or rather, 'they', apparently found themselves unexpectedly moved by a particularly powerful rendition of 'I Am What I Am' using a didgeridoo and interpretive dance. One source close to the situation, who wished to remain anonymous but identified as a sentient houseplant, confirmed Higgins's newfound enlightenment was also fueled by three glasses of Chardonnay and a particularly persuasive Instagram influencer advocating for 'self-expression through legal documentation.'

The internet, of course, is ablaze. Conservative pundits are having apoplectic fits, claiming it's 'proof of the woke agenda's insidious takeover'. Meanwhile, liberals are equally perplexed, but mostly amused by the sheer absurdity of it all. One Twitter user, @QueeriousGeorge, simply posted a GIF of a confused cat and the hashtag #ChardonnaySpritzerForPresident.

Higgins, or Spritzer, has not released a statement, but rumors suggest their next move involves legally changing their species to a majestic unicorn. It seems that the senator's attempt at mocking inclusivity has inadvertently created a spectacular, and surprisingly hilarious, own goal. We await developments with bated breath and a very large bottle of Chardonnay. Or should we say… they do? Themselves do?

This entire situation raises the crucial question: will the next presidential debate feature a candidate who identifies as a sentient toaster oven? Only time, and perhaps a very potent blend of essential oils, will tell.