In a stunning reversal of centuries of heteronormative hegemony (or, as some might call it, ‘Tuesday’), renowned (and suspiciously well-funded) geneticist Professor Quentin Quibble has announced a groundbreaking discovery: queerness isn't unnatural – straightness is!
Professor Quibble, whose recent work includes a controversial study on the correlation between pineapple on pizza and the rise of sentient houseplants, unveiled his findings at a press conference held in a yurt adorned with rainbow-striped tapestries and strategically placed succulents (because inclusivity, obviously). His research, funded by a shadowy organization calling itself ‘The Gay Agenda™’ (a name he vehemently denies any involvement with), reportedly identified a specific gene – the ‘Q-Gene’ – which, when absent, apparently results in… well, straightness.
'It's quite simple, really,' Professor Quibble explained, adjusting his rainbow-striped bow tie, 'the absence of the Q-Gene leads to a baffling conformity to outdated societal norms. We’re talking lack of fabulousness, an inability to appreciate the subtle nuances of gender fluidity, and a disturbing predilection for beige interior design. It's frankly, terrifying.'
The scientific community is, predictably, divided. Some hail Quibble as a visionary genius, while others (mostly those named Chad or Brad) have denounced his research as 'woke nonsense' and 'a liberal conspiracy to overthrow the patriarchy' (the exact phrases used, notably, were ‘woke nonsense’ and ‘a liberal conspiracy to overthrow the patriarchy’). Conservative pundit Tucker Carlson, known for his deep understanding of genetic science, released a statement calling the research 'fake news' and suggesting it was part of a 'globalist plot' involving both the Q-Gene and the Illuminati's secret stash of avocado toast.
Meanwhile, LGBTQ+ advocates are celebrating the findings, suggesting mandatory Q-Gene injections for anyone caught expressing even the slightest hint of homophobia. 'Finally, a scientific justification for fabulousness!' exclaimed Chad Michaels (a drag queen, to avoid any confusion). 'Get ready for a world where the only acceptable form of courtship is a synchronized dance-off involving glitter cannons and Beyoncé karaoke!'
In response to the global uproar, Professor Quibble simply shrugged, saying, 'Well, darling, if you can't handle me at my least fabulous, you don't deserve me at my most fabulous...and also, can someone get me a mimosa?'
