In a stunning display of… well, something, Senator Thaddeus “The Hammer” Hammerton, known for his staunch opposition to anything remotely resembling fun, has simultaneously banned Pride celebrations in his district while inexplicably headlining the very same Pride rally. Sources suggest the situation is less a paradox and more a spectacular case of spectacularly bad judgment, possibly exacerbated by a rogue glitter bomb and a misplaced invitation.
Hammerton, a man whose fashion sense suggests he raided a 1980s funeral home and whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues appears to be limited to a single, poorly-remembered episode of ‘Will & Grace,’ initially issued a statement condemning Pride as ‘an affront to traditional values’ (presumably referring to the traditional value of not having fun). He cited concerns about ‘the inappropriate display of rainbow colors’ and ‘the unsettling prevalence of joy’.
However, just hours later, photos emerged of Hammerton, inexplicably draped in a rainbow sequined cape (possibly mistaken for a fireman’s coat), enthusiastically addressing a crowd chanting ‘We’re here, we’re queer, we’re voting for… uh… someone else?’ His speech, a rambling mess punctuated by confused references to ‘the gays’ and ‘those… flamboyant people,’ concluded with a surprisingly heartfelt rendition of ‘Dancing Queen’ using a karaoke microphone.
Experts are baffled. Dr. Agnes Thistlewick, a leading expert in ‘Politician-Induced Cognitive Dissonance,’ commented, ‘This is unprecedented. It’s like watching a sentient toaster try to perform open-heart surgery. The level of self-awareness, or rather, lack thereof, is truly astonishing.’
Social media has exploded with memes, ranging from Hammerton’s cape being Photoshopped onto various superheroes to comparisons between his political career and a particularly messy game of Twister. #HammertonAtPride and #GaydarFail are trending worldwide. Meanwhile, the Senator’s office remains tight-lipped, offering only a cryptic statement: ‘The Senator’s actions are consistent with his unwavering commitment to… uh… things…' The statement then inexplicably concluded with a recipe for rainbow sherbet. The saga continues.
