In a stunning display of political performance art that would make even Lady Gaga blush, Senator Bartholomew Butterscotch, a man whose understanding of LGBTQ+ issues appears to be limited to the color of a rainbow lollipop, has managed the seemingly impossible: simultaneously banning Pride celebrations and delivering a keynote speech at a *different* Pride celebration.
Sources confirm that Butterscotch, after issuing a statement claiming Pride events ‘promote excessive glitter and threaten traditional values’ (whatever *those* are), mysteriously materialized at a smaller, more ‘artisanal’ Pride gathering in a repurposed yurt. His speech, described by attendees as a 'masterclass in performative allyship,' involved copious amounts of rainbow-colored confetti (sourced, ironically, from a company he recently attempted to shut down) and a surprisingly accurate rendition of Lizzo’s ‘About Damn Time.’
"It's like he's trying to out-woke us all," said local drag queen, Anita Bathwater, whose spectacular gown, depicting a triumphant Butterscotch being dragged into a Pride float by a gaggle of smiling lesbians, caused a minor internet sensation. "First he tries to steal our glitter, then he tries to steal our stage. Either he's got some serious daddy issues, or he’s just desperately trying to avoid the inevitable consequences of openly admitting to having a secret collection of RuPaul’s Drag Race DVDs."
Butterscotch's spokesperson, a woman who insisted on remaining anonymous, explained that the whole thing was a misunderstanding. "The Senator simply enjoys a vibrant display of… uh… diversity… of opinion… and occasionally glitter," she stammered, before hastily adding, "He’d also like to clarify that his recent donation to the ‘Straight Pride’ movement was meant to, um… ‘promote understanding.’ He appreciates the irony as much as anyone."
Experts are baffled. Some speculate this could be the world’s most elaborate attempt at queer-baiting. Others suggest Butterscotch may simply be an advanced AI chatbot, programmed to maximize controversy while generating absolutely zero coherent thought. Regardless, one thing is certain: the internet is having a field day. Prepare yourselves for memes. Prepare yourselves for the inevitable Etsy surge in ‘Butterscotch-Gets-Woke’ merchandise. Just prepare yourselves.
