In a stunning display of cognitive dissonance that would make a quantum physicist weep, renowned television personality Tucker Carlson has released a new book titled "Gender Equality is Ruining My Man Bun: A Straight White Male's Lament." The book, which ironically promotes gender equality (presumably so he can better understand why it's ruining his man bun), has already sold out in certain niche markets – namely, dusty antique shops and the clearance aisle at Barnes & Noble.
Carlson, in a recent interview conducted while simultaneously attempting to tame his aforementioned man bun (an event described by onlookers as 'a struggle worthy of Hercules'), decried the very concept of gender equality. "It's all just... woke nonsense!" he exclaimed, adjusting his bespoke $5000 turtleneck. "Why can't women just accept their place as... well... you know. Like in the good old days, when they were... less equal?"
The book, however, is reportedly filled with pages upon pages of charts and graphs demonstrating the economic benefits of gender equality, along with detailed explanations of the science of why men's tears are, in fact, just as salty as women's. One particularly insightful chapter meticulously analyzes the impact of gender-neutral bathrooms on the efficiency of Carlson’s daily routine, a routine that, admittedly, already involved an unusual amount of time spent staring into a mirror.
Critics are divided. Some claim the book is a masterpiece of satire, a breathtakingly transparent performance of self-parody. Others, well, those others mostly just threw their copies at a Target employee named Chad. There are currently several pending lawsuits.
Sources close to Carlson confirmed that the proceeds from the book will be donated entirely to a charitable organization that promotes the preservation of perfectly coiffed man buns and the banning of glitter, citing its inherently 'unmanly' nature. Stay tuned for a possible follow-up book titled, "Why My Labrador Doesn't Understand the nuances of LGBTQ+ rights." The world is truly bracing itself.
