In a stunning turn of events that has left the conservative media sputtering like a dying fax machine, Senator Chad Thundercock – a man whose campaign slogans once included 'Keep the Gays in the Closet' (with a picture of a literal closet) and 'Make America Straight Again' (featuring a suspiciously Photoshopped image of himself riding a majestic bald eagle) – has not only championed, but single-handedly spearheaded a series of radically progressive LGBTQ+ policies.
Thundercock, previously notorious for his passionate (some might say, oddly fervent) speeches decrying gender-neutral bathrooms as 'communist infiltration,' now finds himself leading the charge for a state-funded 'Queer Prom' extravaganza, complete with a 'gender-fluid' dance-off judged by RuPaul and a drag queen storytelling hour featuring tales of mythical gender-bending unicorns.
'It's... a personal journey,' stammered Thundercock at a recent press conference, clutching a rainbow-colored sash and a suspiciously bedazzled MAGA hat. 'I've seen the error of my ways. After accidentally stumbling into a gender-affirming knitting circle during a campaign trip to Vermont, I had a paradigm shift...or perhaps a paradigm yarn-swap?'
His sudden conversion has triggered apoplectic outrage among the right wing, with one commentator calling it 'a blatant attempt to appease the woke mob' while another suggested Thundercock 'was likely hypnotised by a coven of lesbian witches'. Naturally, this has led to a surge in sales of rainbow-colored MAGA hats – much to the bewilderment of those who still cling to the belief that hats are gender-specific.
The Senator's newfound progressive stance extends beyond prom, with proposed legislation including mandatory LGBTQ+ history classes (taught by flamboyant performance artists), the renaming of all public parks to honor famous queer icons (expect to see a lot more 'Sappho' and 'Harvey Milk' signs), and a comprehensive city-wide makeover that replaces traditional streetlamps with oversized, glitter-encrusted rainbows that pulse to the beat of Lady Gaga’s discography.
While critics call it a cynical grab for votes, Thundercock insists he's found 'inner peace, and a surprisingly fabulous collection of sequined capes'. One thing's for sure, though: This unexpected political U-turn is more fabulous than a pair of high heels made of solid gold.
