In a move that has left the nation simultaneously bewildered and glitter-bombed, Mayor Mildred McMillan, known for her surprisingly toned physique and even more surprisingly, staunchly conservative stance, has banned all Pride celebrations in the city of Hollywoodia. Simultaneously, she released a surprise album titled 'Glitterbomb Gay Anthems,' featuring tracks like "High Heels and Holy Water," a surprisingly upbeat polka number, and "Daddy Issues (Disco Mix)," which apparently samples Gregorian chant.
The mayor’s press secretary, a surprisingly chipper individual named Chad Thundercock (yes, really), explained the situation with a nervous chuckle and a suspiciously large rainbow-colored fidget spinner. "The Mayor's decision to ban Pride was purely… pragmatic," Chad stammered. "Logistical nightmares! Permitting issues! Too many drag queens doing cartwheels near the hydrants! Then… well…the album happened."
The album, a bizarre fusion of 80s synth-pop and gospel choir, features lyrics like "Love is love, even if it's between two bears in a sauna" and "My pronouns are she/her, and I'm here to reclaim the narrative!" Critics are calling it both "a masterpiece of self-sabotaging irony" and "an existential threat to the fabric of heteronormativity."
Meanwhile, the city’s LGBTQ+ community is in a state of utter chaos. Some are protesting the ban, others are line-dancing to 'Glitterbomb Gay Anthems' in the streets. One activist, identified only as 'Kiki' (Kiki requested to remain anonymous in order to, according to their spokesperson, 'maintain a healthy distance from the mayor's unpredictable emotional rollercoaster'), summed it up perfectly: "I don't know what's more confusing, the ban or the fact that the mayor sounds like a lovechild of Cher and a gospel choir after a three-day bender. Either way, I'm putting on my sequined cowboy boots and heading to the protest… while listening to 'Daddy Issues (Disco Mix).'"
The mayor's office, meanwhile, remains suspiciously quiet, except for the faint sounds of someone enthusiastically practicing their interpretive dance moves to a song tentatively titled, 'Acceptance Through Extreme Disco.'
