In a stunning turn of events that has sent shockwaves through the heteronormative fitness industry, Olympic sprinter Chad Thundercock (yes, really) has publicly rejected the opportunity to endorse a Pride-themed athletic wear line. Instead, Chad, in a move described by experts as 'bold,' 'unexpected,' and 'potentially lucrative,' has launched his own line: 'Gay Gains.'

'Look,' Chad explained in a press conference held in a kaleidoscope-themed gym, 'I love rainbows, but they're just...so last year. Plus, I'm all about that maximal inclusivity. 'Gay Gains' isn't just for gays, honey! It's for *everyone* who wants to achieve peak physical perfection while simultaneously dismantling the patriarchy – one perfectly sculpted bicep at a time.'

The line, which features neon pink dumbbells, leggings emblazoned with images of RuPaul in various states of fabulousness, and protein shakes infused with 'the tears of our oppressors,' (a marketing decision currently under investigation by the FDA) has been met with both outrage and surprisingly high sales.

Conservative commentators have branded the move 'a woke abomination,' 'cultural Marxism at its finest,' and 'a clear sign of the impending apocalypse' – all while secretly ordering the 'Pride and Prejudice' package deal which includes a rainbow-colored resistance band, a copy of *The Handmaid's Tale* (for motivation, apparently), and a limited-edition 'Chad Thundercock' water bottle.

'It's a masterclass in ironic subversion,' commented Dr. Agnes Periwinkle, a leading expert in performative activism. 'By rejecting the expected Pride branding, Chad has inadvertently created a marketing phenomenon that highlights the absurdity of the ongoing culture war. He's simultaneously mocking homophobic backlash and making millions. The irony, my dears, is exquisite.'

Chad, ever the entrepreneur, is already planning his next venture: a gender-neutral yoga line called 'Namaste in Bed,' with classes led by drag queens who specialize in restorative poses and aggressive political commentary. Resistance is futile, apparently. And, it seems, quite profitable.