In a stunning twist that has left the nation simultaneously gasping and questioning its understanding of the word 'pansexual,' Senator Mildred Smith, a staunch opponent of all things LGBTQ+, announced her sexuality yesterday. The revelation came during a press conference initially intended to defend her bill ‘Protecting Traditional Values’ (which primarily aimed at banning drag queen story time and rainbow-colored crosswalks). After a series of increasingly awkward coughs and a suspiciously long sip of water, Smith declared, "I… I am pansexual. And yes, that includes those fabulous, gender-fluid, non-binary unicorns I saw at Coachella."
The internet promptly exploded. Conservative commentators went into full meltdown, with one pundit even suggesting that Smith's sudden enlightenment was orchestrated by a cabal of 'woke' lizards plotting to undermine the sanctity of marriage (and possibly the price of mayonnaise). Meanwhile, the LGBTQ+ community responded with a mixture of amused bewilderment and elaborate memes featuring Smith in a rainbow-colored jumpsuit riding a unicorn made of glitter and acceptance.
Adding insult to injury (for traditionalists, that is), Smith announced that her upcoming campaign trail will include mandatory drag queen bingo nights, artisanal vegan hot dog stands with pronouns embroidered on the napkins, and a mandatory viewing of the entire *RuPaul's Drag Race* franchise. 'I've seen the light,' Smith declared dramatically, 'and it's a kaleidoscopic, multi-gendered, glitter-bomb of pure, unadulterated joy! Prepare yourselves for the inclusive onslaught!' She then launched into an impromptu a cappella rendition of 'Dancing Queen,' leaving reporters speechless (and possibly questioning their life choices).
Her former campaign manager, a man once described as the 'epitome of heteronormative masculinity,' is reportedly now identifying as a 'fluid non-binary cat-person,' allegedly after witnessing Smith successfully knit a miniature Pride flag while simultaneously explaining the intricacies of intersectional feminism. The investigation into whether this was actual magic, or just exceptionally strong iced tea, is ongoing.
