In a shocking turn of events that's less 'shocking' and more 'predictably hilarious given the current state of affairs,' renowned geneticist Dr. Bartholomew Straightlace has been exposed – not for some scandalous affair (though, wouldn't that be *spicy*), but for secretly pursuing research that directly contradicts his publicly-stated views on LGBTQ+ genetics.

Dr. Straightlace, a man whose tweed jacket could probably write a dissertation on the inherent superiority of heteronormativity (if it had thumbs), recently published a paper vehemently denying any genetic basis for same-sex attraction. He described it as 'a mere social construct,' a phrase that's apparently interchangeable with 'a fabulous lifestyle choice I'm secretly trying to replicate in my lab.'

Sources, who wish to remain anonymous lest they be subjected to Dr. Straightlace's 'scientific' re-education program (involving forced viewings of 'The Sound of Music' and lectures on the virtues of vanilla ice cream), claim that his private lab is overflowing with equipment clearly designed to genetically modify hamsters into fabulous, gender-fluid creatures. Apparently, he's even working on a line of rainbow-maned unicorns, which, according to a leaked internal memo, are slated to 'revolutionize the Pride parade.'

One whistleblower, a lab assistant named Chad (who identifies as a 'bi-curious, gender-non-conforming, plant-based, artisanal cheese connoisseur'), stated, "The man's a walking contradiction! One minute he's spouting nonsense about 'traditional family values,' the next he's cackling maniacally while splicing unicorn DNA with the genetic code of a drag queen. I swear, I saw him trying to knit tiny rainbow sweaters for the hamsters."

When confronted with this evidence – including photos of the aforementioned rainbow unicorns (spoiler alert: they're stunning) – Dr. Straightlace responded with a typically Straightlace-ian statement: "It's all a hoax! A complete fabrication designed to undermine the sanctity of... of... *checks notes*... the patriarchy's hamster-based breeding program. Yes, that's it!"

Experts say this whole situation highlights the urgent need for more inclusive science funding, perhaps with a dedicated grant for 'genetically engineering fabulous creatures' specifically. Otherwise, we might miss out on the groundbreaking advancements Dr. Straightlace (unwittingly) keeps churning out in his clandestine lab.