In a plot twist more convoluted than a M. Night Shyamalan movie, renowned actor Chad Thundercock, known for his roles as the ‘straightest man in Hollywood’ and for vehemently opposing ‘the gay agenda’ (whatever that is, apparently), has not only starred in the critically acclaimed LGBTQ+ rom-com ‘Glitterbomb: A Gay Fairytale,’ but also simultaneously protested the very rights the film celebrates. Sources say the protest involved a single, tear-stained, but surprisingly well-hydrated, American flag and a very loud megaphone.
Mr. Thundercock, sporting what can only be described as a ‘confused patriot’ ensemble (think camouflage cargo shorts paired with a MAGA hat and a rainbow-striped bandana… because subtlety is clearly not his forte), insisted that his role as Prince Charming (yes, the gay Prince Charming) was merely ‘method acting’ – an attempt to understand the ‘enemy from within.’ He claims he hopes this immersion will ‘inform his future anti-gay activism with more… empathy.’ We’re not entirely sure what that means, but the image of him in full drag, sobbing over his lines, while secretly plotting to overturn Obergefell v. Hodges, is undeniably compelling.
The film's director, flamboyant genderqueer artist, Zesty Zazzy, responded with a perfectly poised, yet drippingly sarcastic, statement: ‘Oh honey, the irony is so thick, it’s practically a performance art piece in itself. Chad’s performance was, shall we say, authentically… conflicted. He brought a unique brand of homophobic hysteria to the role, which certainly added a certain… je ne sais quoi.’ Zesty then added, with a wink, that the movie's next sequel will star a reformed Chad Thundercock, playing a gender-fluid unicorn named Sparklehoof.
Meanwhile, the internet is ablaze with memes. ‘Chad Thundercock, the ultimate walking contradiction,’ one particularly popular meme proclaims, featuring a side-by-side image of Thundercock in drag and at his protest. Another, slightly more advanced meme, uses deepfake technology to make it look like Thundercock is giving a passionate acceptance speech at a GLAAD awards ceremony while simultaneously burning a pride flag. It's... a lot.
Experts predict that this bizarre turn of events will fuel the ongoing debate on the performative nature of activism – and also, perhaps, the need for better acting coaches in Hollywood. Or maybe better therapists. Either way, the popcorn is definitely worth it.
