In a shocking turn of events that has the entire town of Willow Creek in a tizzy (and the local PTA threatening to stage a bake sale boycott), Mrs. Periwinkle, a third-grade teacher with a penchant for glitter and a questionable understanding of irony, has been accused of banning LGBTQ+ representation. The accusation? She's implemented a curriculum so incredibly inclusive, it's practically a Pride parade in crayon form.
'It's a blatant attack on traditional values!' shrieked Brenda Higgins, a mother whose son, Chad, is convinced that unicorns are secretly gay and is currently crafting a protest sign using construction paper and glitter glue (a detail that somehow both amuses and terrifies Mrs. Periwinkle). Brenda claims Mrs. Periwinkle's 'rainbow-infested' classroom is 'indoctrinating' her child with 'woke' nonsense.
The 'evidence' presented? A story time featuring a picture book about two dads adopting a kitten named after RuPaul, a lesson on gender fluidity using sparkly unicorn stickers, and a field trip to the local drag brunch (the kids loved the mimosas...or so we've heard).
Mrs. Periwinkle, however, remains defiant. 'These children need to learn that love is love, regardless of whether it's between two humans, two unicorns, or a human and a sentient potted plant named Beyoncé,' she declared, adjusting her rainbow-colored glasses. 'And if that means incorporating a little drag into our lesson on fractions, then so be it!'
Local experts have weighed in, stating that while the situation is undeniably peculiar, the sheer volume of glitter might actually qualify as a biohazard. Further investigation is required, possibly involving Hazmat suits and an intervention by the world's leading glitterologist, Dr. Sparkle McShimmer. In the meantime, Chad Higgins’s protest sign is reportedly gaining traction, attracting support from other children who are now convinced that protesting is far more fun than reading about gender-neutral pronouns.
The Willow Creek school board is currently in emergency session, debating whether to ban glitter, mimosas, or the entire concept of inclusivity—whichever seems easiest.
